V/A "Under Pressure"
Fiend | CD 21

'Bennett's' (ooohhh!) Newsagents looks rather bleak without lovely young Vivian lo-ling the till. 'Bleak'? More like a Nuclear winter wasteland. I'm not exaggerating, this is very much how I feet, sensitive lass that I am. But, you know a fags gotta do his precious photocopies somewhere after all. Where else would you take them? To the butcher? The baker? The buttock fustigator? Come on, be reasonable! And in any case, I like Bennett's new rented photocopier... 6000 pounds worth, it looks like a veritable Star Prak device of some description and no error! Good lord, it can even put staples into your subversive writings, should you so feel the need. Incredible !

So, there I go, day-in and day-out, churning out all those kinky-kanky-kopies, govoreeting to Mr. Chris and Mr. Bennett senior, cracking all those self-derisory jokes as one does... then, oneday, I sally forth into the shop and spy a new young lady behind the tilly-will ."Yum yum", I thought. "Yum yum yummy yum!!" Oshie!! I feverishly do my single pathetic pee-copie of the 'sick note' (a Timo song of excellences [1] I'll have you know) I had very recently picked up from my Doctors surgery (coz I'm a sick fuck, you see .I kill for pleasure, you know...) and joined the queue all fidgety .ready to hand over my measly sweaty little 5 penny piece. I could have been served by Mr. Chris or Bennett senior, but no... Bog, in his usually unfair heaven, realizing that I've been mentally banging my kroovy rooker at the big 'Him' and all he stands for, the past 7 years. suddenly gets all omnipotent like and dare I say it... 'helpful' at long fucking last and so I, miraculously, get served by the new, mouthwatering, Miss Delicious Herself! Yes! You can say I'm deluding myself ("you're deluding yourself") but I know that look she gave me on second look-up from the till... wow! Yeah! I shall forgive you, my busy little hive of sweet scented sticky love-honey, for having that crass baseball cap on your pretty head, it is rather cold out and the detested 'tick' was only a teensy-weensy one after all, nothing to get into a flap about, ! hardly noticed it, could have been a fleck of fluff even. Fear not, I'll soon steer you in the right direction, leave it all to uncle GeroGary and his wonderous record collection! I'll even let you have a sneak listen to the latest Fiend CD-R's, like this 'Under Pressure' compilation. All sorts of funny names on this one... to make you giggle, my little hon. Giggle like a, a papergirl. Sorry. Paperboy, yeah, there's a band on this called Paperboy. Like you. Only you're not a boy, are you? Nah. Par from it. There's about 15 tunny named bands on this CD with 15 funny named songs. If you can call them songs. 'Pieces' is the word we pseudo music journo's use. Sounds clever see.

Let me put it into my 'big one' for you... a very appropriate song, I mean piece, opps, by Unknown Artist. There, the first of the funny names for you. Remind me to show you some art collage and photographs by my friend 'Unknown Sickness' in Spain. That'll make you giggle, I'll bet. Here's 'Loving You'...

Yep, that's right, it seems like a smoochy love song at first until the lyrics go all shitty and titty and cocky and arse and, well, you get the drift, downright vulgar. Er, for a 'love song'. It's a sort of joke, yeah? Ok, I think it's quite funny in a throw- away sense but, for me, being no longer just out of puberty, repeated plays won't make my testes fall any further (they're already down to my knees now), this variety of humour rarely does. Only Pete and Dud could pull it off well enough for almost endless repetition. Oh, I'm surprised you liked it actually! Look, I left school in 1976, ok?!

The Best Of Sham 69. Sham 69? They were a punk band from the late 1970's who ended up with a mainly skinhead following. Great band! These here are just a series of lead singer Jimmy Pursey's live intro's to the songs... with no songs as it were, just the intros. Nice idea. Sham (heh heh) it don't work as well as it could have done but at least someone tried.

Wagstaff's 'Wooden Mouth' is... wha'd ya mean it's like a trip to the dentist?! Open wide. I said "would you like a cup of tea or something?"

No, nothing to do with DKNY (god! these kids!) It's DK720 No, I've never heard of that brand either (Dear me!!). Another song to remind me of you, 'Half Baked Paper-round' papergirl, ha!! But you're more than half baked, arn't you? Sounds like a load of sped up tapes and bits of wreckords and chimes and sqeeks and the like. What does it mean? Absolutely nothing darling. What? Oh the baby talking? That's just an idea they nicked from Whitehouse, imitation being thee most sincere form of flattery and all that. I'll play you some Whitehouse one day. Remind me (He he he).

Glad you like the name Ok Ok Society Good. You're giggling again. Giggling like a, like a... like the little giggler that you are. 'Black Slip-Ons' sounds funny, a? Could be shoes you know (shoe bomber ! Ha! Like Unabomber hee ! !).Or slippers Not p... p...panties. Yes. Yes. I'll go along with that, it could well have been recorded during a 'cottaging' expedition. Hey! How do you know about that?! Nooo!'! Noo! I've never done that! But I know some guys who have. Yes dear, there are turds there too... oh, I see what you mean! Silly me. No, I've never been to Bradford, let alone it's red light district. What's there then?

More references to your job! Strange don't you think? Begging your pardon... your part time job. Paperboy play 'Paperboys Continuing Struggle'. Hmmm, I suppose it does sound a bit like one of those hearing tests. Personally, I find it soft and drowsey making. You too? Tired? Yeah, why not lay back on the duvet. No, I'm not rifling through your bag... it's the CD. Ah, you're just joking of course. No, that wasn't me either! Noisy? I'm so sorry I'll turn it down (to 8).

It's not Paperboy anymore, this is Lode Runner (and I've got a load I'd like to run into you baby) 'Golem Gypsum'. A Golem is a human image brought to life? A robot? A dolt? Ha! Fancy that! Your clever you are. Ha! Yes, it does sound kinda robotic, like a mechanical toy, one of those old metal Japanese robots, that's it. Erm, this is music. It is! Look don't try and find a tune, music isn't just about tunes, it's about sounds, tunefull or otherwise. And emotions.

Ok, lets see the new year in together (for what it's worth... I've been through this a few times before),5... 4... 3... 2... 1... happy new year. Happy 2002!!! Now can we get on with the important job of listening to the music... please!!!

Acid Fuck? More to your liking? What?! Oh! Sorry sorry sorry. I thought you wanted me to pretend to be the Alien or something. I am dopey sometimes! Ha! Yes 'Insider Dealing' is pretty regular, electrobeats on a virtual seashore is what I'd probably write if I was reviewing it. Nah, can't place the film sample.... could be Michael Cain in that old film I've never seen. My kind of films? Well Pasolini's Salo is quite superb, and I'm a big Kubrick nut. Also Lindsay Anderson... yeah, I like the Rocky Horror Picture Show too! I saw the actual show itself in the Kings road in 1975. No, as I tried to hint at earlier, I'm not as young as I appear (oh dear, oh dear).

Zenopede does indeed sound like centipede, yes! 'Positive Death Fixation', ummm, when I'm down. In spirits. You're right, it does put one in mind of a battlefield after everyones been killed and the camera roams around showing you the bodies and devastation. Do you like war films then? Oh yeah, my ex was into that one, it was good but I'm more a Paths Of Glory/Full Metal Jacket type myself. No, no, listen, please, no. He's the best. There isn't any doubt about it whatsoever. Shushshsh... next song...

I can't answer that, I don't know. Got to ask Paul really. I do know that JLIAT is a 'band' and 'Expose Your Eyes' is Rani 's 'project'. Well sometimes these people do stuff together, collaborate, rape each others material and so. No, rape as in 'take what isn't their's', like steal, you know, but each band or artist agree's to it. Usually Disc raped is a good way of putting it. I got that from a Hanatarash CD insert! Sure, I'm as guilty as anyone! What do you propose I do then, reinvent the language to make it one of my own? Great. Then who'd be able to fucking read it. Sorry, a rude word. Oh. ok. Yeah, I also like the sound of it, words are a turn-on, not my fault, I didn't make this crap world, that's just the way it is and the way we work. Look, aren't we supposed to be listening to the music? Not music?! Oh dear, here we go again, it is I told you. This is a nice multi-textured piece, it has momentum and atmosphere... call it what you want, it won't go away. I bloody wish groups like Steps would though. Really! I never heard that! Wow, I must have superpowers then. At last. Hmmm, but now there's 5 uninventive dull endlessly grining tossers out there doing their tedious thing, instead of a bunch. I don't know what's worse really. well I can't help it, they make me sick. It's crap, can't you see that?0k for children but surely, once you're over 14..god,no wonder it's a tradition to kill the men and rape the women!!! Ok, ok, I didn't mean that, but I'm telling you you'll never change human nature, not this side of brainwashing... alright alright, it's called -'Abhuta Parkalpita'. I don't know that either, I've got enough stuff here to listen to without analyzing every bloody word. God!

The Shite Girls? Well, I think it's a great name. The sort of name I could wear on a T-Shirt with pride. Just like GAP? Yeah, very amusing, I don't think. Right, now you're getting there sure, those other idiotic mindless fucks have got things like 'Supremoglaze' and 'British Aluminum Company' on their fucking football, wha'd they call it, strips, stripes? Haven't they? I mean at least I'm into the band names I wear. How can you be into BAC unless you work for them, and even then it's just a job to feed your horrendous bitch and disgusting kids, hatched from the sows belly. Breed on fuckers! What? 'Butterflies On My Lap' is crap? No, no, it is a difference in our generations... in actual fact I would have thought your lot would be even more progressive, ya bunch of conservative fucks!!! Well I'm sorry, but it's how I feel by what I see.

No, Nandi Cook, Sandy Kelsall and Paul Harrison aren't loonies! 'Pop Idol' is lunacy! At least this isn't shallow. Ok, so this area has been well covered by Nurse With Wound... most fields have, but at least this endeavors to find new ground. 'Every-thing Is Alright1 is a good piece. No no no, can't you see? Why can't you fucking see?! Pop Idol is shite! Absolute brainless inane fodder for the mass of mindless ants who watch it and nothing less than an empty celebrity trip for those other ape's who "want to be famous" for no reason other than to fill the space in their proletarian lives that the global corporations missed out (this time) and to have as many filthy cocks as possible in one sitting a showering them with an endless sperm hosing down whilst they mentally scream out for the congregation to inseminate them by the bucket load!! How fucking cheap can you get??!! Well you look Gothy. And what I'd call punky, fuck, I'd even dare to say you look kinky! Sorry, sorry, god, it's really a 60's word. The 1960's? You know, 40 odd years ago... hippy, remember? When people actually went against what was dished out to them by the establishment like the punks did after that, only not with love and peace and flowers. Yeah, but they weren't old then! Christ, you millenium lot, what a sack of mouldy old turds you all are! Idiots!!! Well I can't help it! I can't understand you all... why don't you want to rebel against your oppressors, make your own lifestyles and youth culture rather than taking it off the fucking corporate shelf like some ready assembled Airfix kit! Make it yourself, mistakes and all, make it your own. Glam. punk. metal. weird, extreme... I made it mine! No, no, no you stupid fucking cow, you're walking around doing their advertising for free. In fact, you're paying them!! Why can't you see it you stupid fucking cunt!

Oh, come on, come on, don't cry. I didn't really mean it (not much!) Ok, alright, we have to agree to differ. God! Obviously the brainwashings worse than I first thought. Christ, this is real 1984 stuff. Scary man.

Ok honey Bunny, one more track to go, 'A Message To Klomeini' by the Thrasher Brothers. You know, the Not The 9:00 News team did songs similar to this over 20 years back! Yeah, it's got a good point and I do agree but I'm not pro-american by any means. Yeah, of course I like to eat but do we have to have bloody Macdonalds all over the place? That drive-thru in leytonstone just looks odd there. Well... they all just seem arrogant, like their way is the only way and "whilst we accept that you're different and are entitled to be because god told us it, we still think we are your superiors and that everyone else is below us. That's why god blesses America." Why just America? What about the rest of us? Ahh yeah, he "saves" our queen, I know, that's bloody important, isn't it?! But what about saving all her subjects? Does he bless and save life on other worlds then too? And not just in this Galaxy of a hundred billion suns, but what about the billions of other galaxys? Yep, god blesses America and saves our queen... hey, wher've you gone? Hello? Hello?! Hey, did anyone see a girl go past? Out the front door? Yeah, quite young, you know me. Nah, nah, just a sort of mate really.(heh heh heh) Sorry can't chat, I left the taps running, bye.

Phew. Thank fuck for that.

Note

Sick Note by Timo. To be found on the cassette #199/Quiet Songs Kaw 49. Available from Kaw 94 Main Street, Forth, Lanarkshire, ML1 8AB U.K.

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