V/A "Intercontinental Zvukoprocessing"
Zvukoprocessor Productions | 2 x CD-R

1st September 2004 & yet another refreshingly, erm. FRESH (as opposed to be the re-used umpteen times ultra-manky & poundshop parceltaped version I usually have dealings with) post office "Post Pak" (unfortunate choice of hip'n'trendy words there) arrives through ye regularly raped letterbox of my ultra-modern city high-rise luxury penthouse apartment. Yet another brace of CD-R's accompanied by their obligatory "press release" sheets, three of 'em in this case, but still no personal letter saying a simple "Hello/Shalom" or even a comp slip with some sort of "Hi Gary" scrawling in manic I-need-some-psychiatric-help-fast slopy & sloppy smudged black & satanic off their fucking head handwriting. Nope, there's nothing like that at all. Here, in this mega-exasperating age of mass communication, mobile fucking phones, bloody e-mail & all that other paraphernalia of which I'm constantly subjected to, people just don't seem to be able or willing to enclose a humble introductory greeting with their "promo" items or even let me know just where the hell they found my name & address! I mean, it's not as if they're sending their precious output to some flash open-plan office of a big glossy high street music mag or national radio station. it's jeest li'l ol' me here, all alone & skint with a crap, almost toy, Brother PX50 electric "handytyper" & some sporadic contact with less than a handful of zines which, occasionally, publish my work.

Right, customary gripe over, let's see what we've got because I DO love to receive post, especially from "new" people, out-of-the-blue so to speak, it IS exciting. in fact IT IS LOVELY!!! This one, so the reverse of the "Post Pak" (god, you'd think they'd have changed that bloody name by now!?) say's, is from a "K.Gervis" of Basildon. Never been there.

10th September 2004. Yeah, it's like that sometimes. The two CD-R's, that's Intercontinental Zvukoprocessor I & II, come in separate cardboard sleeves, each with a different b+w cover drawing of something I can describe as a cross between an insect & a 1960's Soviet satellite whilst the rear illustration continues the sci-fi theme but with a dash of Chris Foss'ish future scapes. Nice. Not so nice is the shoddy "slip case" holds it all together, it being simply a bit of tarcing paper folded in half with a sticker announcing that this is, for my copy anyway, number 000139 out of 200 copies. And why use the extra 3 zero's if you're not going any higher than 200?! Odd. AND silly. Silly and odd. Silly Sod.

Zvukoprocessor is "not a record label in a usual sense". Its main objective is to capture, on record, the ongoing cultural experiment that is the emerging Russian underground scene in the troubled state of Israel . To mark Zvukoprocessor's five years of existence they decided to release a double CD-R representing the Russian-Israeli underground electronic movement to the rest of the world. This compilation also features groups from the USA (1/2), Sweden (1) & Russia (1) along with the multitude of native Israeli groups. There, I THINK I got most of that right?! If you want any further explanations then you'll just have to contact Konstantin Gervis himself.

As is to be generally expected with compilations of this type which feature so many groups & variations on the "experimental" genre, the listener will always gravitate towards his or her favourites. Here's a few of mine:

ULICAB - Bitch. Not a million miles away from "Large Ladies in the Oven" CD period, whatever, Nurse With Wound. and more! Earie & tense background atmospheres overlayed by a psychotic rambling vocal. Why so short?

CHAOS AS SHELTER - History Strikes Back. Unsettling dark whine & drone folding in upon itself with a submerged & incomprehensible spoken vocal shifting to an equally sinister church organ possessed feel. Excellent!

<djrED.L> - May Rain. Despite the idiotic looking name (why not just wack the fucking keyboard with a telephone directory and call it //?!DV7,/! Hang on, I'll try my pocket sized Thesaurus at the typewriter. cfr nr 58ijuO! Hmmm, great) this is very nice, very relaxing, very soothing guitar pluckingly led summer meadow copulating ambience. Well, I would anyway.

DAVID KRUPNIK - Open Heart Surgery. Gorgeous piano piece which sounds a little out of place on this double CD-R. but that's no reason not to include it, is it? Fucking brilliant!!! I needed a little avant-classical purification, in fact I need a whole album's worth of this sort of thing. can you HEAR me over THERE?! I SAID I COULD DO WITH A WHOLE ALBUM OF THIS SORT OF THINGS!!! SIGUE SIGUE KRUPNIK!!!

BANGK & GURFA - To Sleep. Exceedingly pleasant reggae/dub piece with enchanting female vocals. Easy listening was never easier.

FACES OF DEATH - We're in Hell. Yeah, we certainly are. Slow atmospheric seduction track which sounds like some pervy French geezer creeping around the boy's shower room. Tons of style & character but not REALLY my thang. girl's shower rooms are best, we're in heaven, etc. etc.

HANEMERIN - Lee Na'ara. Juicy devient & moody electro-goth that had me running down to the kitchen in order to wrap my entire body in black cling-film. just so as to be part of the scene. Superb!

THE MAN WITH TEA GUM - Flighting the World. Christ, what have we got here? Pinky & Perky meets Donald Duck zany wackism. I WANTED to slag this TOTALLY at first listen but, I have to admit, as it went on & on I actually started to enjoy it. Fuck, what does that say about me?! It's a worry, especially as I started laughing at it... mentally, not out loud, you DO understand. This is how you might imagine the Ceramic Hobs to sound after being subjected to all their psychiatric patient propaganda. The reality is that the Hobs DON'T sound like this but they are, in the main, psychiatric patients. this lot here, the er. "Man with the Tea Gum", must be teachers then. the maddest bunch of fuckers you're ever likely to encounter in THIS life! If you're going to have a stab at sounding insane, then this is the way t'go!!! I nearly left my reviewing desky & started to dance. Nearly. Gooboo gabba, we accept ya, we accept ya, one of us!

SWOIZE - Tetris. A perfect 30 second space-filler to end disc one on. Parthenia (or The Maydenead of the first musicke that ever was printed for the Virginalls. VIRGINALLS I say.) meets crazed over-amplified Stylophone maestro. What'd ya mean you ain't got a clue what I 'm on about???! It's fucking beautiful maaan!!

DJ SINICHKIN - After Party Song. Ha! Sounds so much like one of Jean Michelle Jarre's old records (Equinox? Magnetic Fields?) that I was transported back to the late 70's for this track's duration. The late 70's. when the future was just beginning to open up all its manifold possibilities to a young'n'frisky me, me, me, me ME!! Alas, the future is NOW & it is complete & utter shite, Nice try though.

Well, that lot is, as far as I'm concerned, the cream of this Zvukoprocessing compilation. I've come this far & so. here's the rest:

PENETRATING CRANKSHAFT - Sawn. Synth, bass'n'drum ambience that got on my tits after a couple of minutes, meandering as it does to. well, to pretty much nowhere in fact. Why so long? Not soothing, just boring. there IS a difference you know. God, will this NEVER fucking end?!?!? Talk about outstaying your welcome!! Maybe that "Sawn" was a spelling mistake. Yawn, yeah, ged it? Boo-lacks to it ALL!! Boo-lacks, wee wee's & splodgy squishy poo-plops.

SEVENTEEN MIGS OF SPRINGS - Ya Zima (fire reconstructed). Muddy sounding tribal drums & the pitter-patter of electronic whiney bleet. Gets worse before it gets insufferable. Then I fell ass-leep. Just what is the point of boring your listener to death with a tepid cauldron of weediness?! Another example of a group who just do not know when to pull the plug.

1000 - Open Dance of Meat. Out of minimalistic, delicate drone'n'whir comes a thoughtful metamorphosis of sound; buzzes, squelches & beats, all making for a journey which holds your focus & keeps up the tension, wondering what will be around the next corner. Is good.

VULTURES - In the Head. Lukewarm walls of turmoil with a bastardly annoying unconvincing & silly supposed-to-be-angry vocal. It makes loads of noise but, like a seven year old boy playing "Stringray" in the bath with his cock (well, I did.) there's no REAL harm done. which makes it all a bit sad really.

DR.GRUNT - Experiment #1 (edit). Inoffensive little number of aswirls & whirls & chaffs & chirps & bliffs & blaffs & so on.

IGOR 18 - Hunt for Butterflies. Quirky & nutty quicky accordian piece.

ANTICHUS - Mister, Let's Go! Fast-paced upbeat digeri-do backboned cartoon-like soundtrack from these so-called "electrothrashers"

IGOR 18 - +. That's the symbol "+" in case you're thinking it's a typing error. Multifaceted drama.

MODELO PARA ARMAR - Zgaraamba (no time for good remix). No time for good review either. Sludgy plodding cyberfest that had me wanting the clock to say "home time" when I was in fact AT HOME!

DAS KAPITAL - Post Nutritionist. Left me blank-faced, sore knobb-ed & barely able to move due to boredom.

YURA POISIK - Emmo-trempompo. File under "Music for Teletubbies". By the way, I shagged La-La & she was fucking crap!

SEVENTEEN MIGS OF SPRING - Chatters (fb force "down bit" remix). Far, far better than their dismal "Ya Zima" track on CD 1. you know, all the right angles are here, it's just that could be of ending up with something so-so & mediocre, they could be using this stuff to create a piece that is MONUMENTAL!! Well, at least SOMETING way & beyond what we have here anyway. Get rid of that fucking overloaded electronic drum shite for starters!!

EKRAN - Every day We Live Here. Me too. Interesting patchwork quilt of sounds; pneumatic drills, sirens, traffic, bluebottles. all sewn together so well it could almost have grown out of the speakers organically. Technically creditable but, ultimately, it left me empty & cold.

S.T.A.Z.Z. - Roboteck Wow! Oh fuck, it's one of those mindless & repetitive dance tracks for people who will dance to ANYTHING! "Clubbing" they now call it. I call it "Disco". 2004 style disco & boy, it ain't a patch on REAL dance music. I'm talking Sex Pistols!! Bring back the danger, the blood & the guts & thee honest nights sweat in a REAL venue!! Roboteck? Aw, fuck off. robots are for doing dishes, washing floors & wiping your arse. no mum/girlfriend jibes here, per-leeze! And while I am on the subject. you know, I never did get the idea of a fucking Disc Jockey on a stage! That's where the fucking band is supposed to be!!! You millenium wankers, you're all full of such fucking SHIT!!! Shove your ringtones up your soding ARSE!!!

SYNTHETIC DARK - Future report (part one). I see all my own texts as a kind of future report in a way. You know, what with all the moans & groans & whines & whingeing. oh, okay, I'll admit it: I was wrong. The future is fucking great, isn't it? It's fucking heaven! heaven. I'm in heaven. bollocks!! Yeah, this is a nice tune to end the review with. You could almost end Blade Runner with it too. And the above Robo-dreck's lousy fucking life. Nothing personal Mr, er. Stazz.

Right, I've had my say. "Mixing It" is on radio 3 in 20 minutes, though why I brother anymore I just don't know. Still, I did discover Basil Kirchin's outstanding 30 year old "Quantum" LP due to sticking with this show. Highly recommended limited to 500 vinyl AND it's on CD too. Try www.runkrecords.com.

There, two for the price of one. Time to close those reviewing doors!

	Zvukoprocessor Productions, c/o Konstantin Gervis, Haela St. 4/6C, Ganey Tal, Bney Aish 79845, Israel
	email: info (AT) zvukoprocessor.com

The "Post Pak" was from Basildon. Honest.

Gary Simmons
Gartina
Hermitage Walk
London E18 2BN
ENGLAND
Tel/fax ++44(0)20 8989 6599